Saint Valentine Ain’t No Friend of Mine

The “beaten men” are out in force today. See them for yourself.

"Watch out for the ones with coconut!! Ewwww!!!"

“Watch out for the ones with coconut!! Ewwww!!!”

These men will be easily spotted all day, but mostly between the hours of 4pm to 6pm. You won’t be able to miss them if you’re out and about. Look for them at your local CVS or grocery store, standing in line with the other guys, a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a pink card in one hand, perhaps some roses wrapped in clear plastic in the other. Their faces will look stubbly and tired, with this one last chore standing before them and the end of the work day. None of them will seem particularly happy to be there. Afterward, they’ll lug their purchases out to the parking lot, where they’ll joylessly scribble their name (along with some x’s and o’s) inside the card and scrape the rectangular price tag from the chocolates using their thumbnails. This is an annual ritual with them, born mostly out of fear. You know what that fear is? Having to face a woman empty-handed on February-the-Fucking-14th.

It’s supposedly St. Valentine’s Day, but really, what does that mean? Most of these guys have no idea who the fuck Saint Valentine even was. They have no idea why they’re expected to buy chocolates and flowers today, just like they have no idea why they get blasted every year on St. Patty’s. It’s just something that people do, so they go along with it. It’s a lot like organized religion in that sense; “Don’t ask questions. Just do it.” You can be the most romantic guy in the world all year long, but God help you if you fuck this day up. Oh sure, some women put on a great front, saying they don’t care about “Hallmark Holidays” like this one. Don’t you believe that shit for one second, though. Regardless of what they tell you, they’ll get on the phone with their girlfriends or their mom, and the question will inevitably come up; “What did he do for you on Valentine’s Day?” If your woman doesn’t have a romantic, “awwwwwww” inspiring answer to this query, you’ll instantly go from a pretty decent guy to the biggest, most selfish prick in the universe. Whether or not she did anything for YOU is immaterial. It’s called a holiday for lovers, but believe me, Valentine’s Day is for WOMEN. The only participation men have in the whole thing is through their wallets.

I refuse to accept romantic assistance from a naked, winged baby.

I refuse to accept romantic assistance from a naked, winged baby.

You know how you can tell it’s all for women? The “red and pink” color scheme alone is a dead giveaway. Women love pink, men avoid it like the plague. It’s not our fault; we’re conditioned that way from the time we’re little boys. I remember, for example, being a kid and excitedly checking out the toy aisle at Kmart for the latest He-Man action figures. Sometimes in my zeal, I’d make a wrong turn and accidentally end up in the… *shudder*… girls’ section. There was no mistaking it. The whole fucking aisle would be hot pink, with Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake dolls staring down at me as I uncomfortably looked for the closest exit. I couldn’t get out of that aisle fast enough… I mean, what if one of my buddies saw me?? It’s the exact same reaction the adult version of me has when I accidentally walk down the feminine hygiene aisle while grocery shopping. The Valentine’s Day section at Kroger is much the same as the Barbie aisle, at least as far as the color scheme goes. If you happen to visit Kroger today, take note of how ill at ease the guys look as they paw through the boxes of candy. They hate standing in an aisle full of pink shit, trust me. They hate anything colored pink, except for… you know, that certain part of the female… uh… ahem. I think we both know where I was going with that.

Now, you’d think the chocolates, the flowers and the card would be enough to pacify a woman, but unless your special lady is very low-maintenance, you’re probably not off the hook quite yet. Some of them (i.e. “the hotties”) expect jewelry, like maybe diamond earrings or some shit. (What is it with women and diamonds?) At the very least, a nice dinner will be an expected part of the evening. A few lucky bastards have women they will actually cook a romantic dinner for them (fuckers), but most guys will have to buy one… at least, they will if they expect to eat tonight. If your woman is reasonable, you’ll be able to get away with something like Applebee’s or Red Lobster. The really whipped guys will end up at some fancy-dancy restaurant where they’ll sit glumly in their jacket and tie, looking at the wine list and thinking, “Jesus Christ, I wish I was at home having a beer and watching TV.”

Look at how fancy this shit is.

Look at how fancy this shit is.

I think men need to start rebelling against what’s expected of us. Who made up these “rules,” anyway? Why not try bucking tradition for once? Take a fucking chance!! I stopped by McDonald’s last week and inside the bag was an invitation for a McDonald’s Valentine’s Day Dinner right there in the restaurant, complete with candles and everything. How many guys do you think actually had the iron balls to suggest that to their significant others? Just imagine, you tell your lady that you’re taking her out for a nice dinner, and then you “surprise” her with a trip to a fucking fast food place. I can just hear it now; “No, no, honey, this is a special night! No Quarter Pounders for us, nope! I think we should order a couple of those fancy ANGUS burgers!” The glare she’d give you as the candlelight illuminated her red face and her french fries would be even icier than your large Coke. On the bright side, you probably wouldn’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day the following year…

I know, I know, it’s easy for a “perpetually single” loser like myself to spout worthless advice. But single or not, you won’t see me jumping through hoops every February 14th. Fuck that shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have some dinner by myself and go to bed alone.

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One Response to “Saint Valentine Ain’t No Friend of Mine”

  1. Yup, yup and yup. *sigh*

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