Reflections on a Hungry Howie’s Box

Nothing ever stays the same.

 Last night for the first time in eons, I ordered a Hungry Howie’s pizza. This isn’t something I normally do; the pizza is pretty decent overall, but it’s as expensive as shit and what they deem as “large” is roughly the same circumference as a silver dollar. I’m not a cheap guy, but I get a bit miffed when I spend seventeen bucks on a pizza smaller than a drink coaster. I mean, I don’t expect the fucking thing to the size of a manhole cover, but I should at least be able to get a few meals out of it, right?

 So, I sprung for the EXTRA large (ooooooh!), and as I was packing some cold pizza to bring with me to lunch today, I noticed a distressing thing; the Hungry Howie’s logo is different than I remember, and I DON’T LIKE IT. Take a look at this…

I will eat this pizza. And your children.

I will eat this pizza. And your children.

 This is the Hungry Howie that I remember. Look at how crazed that motherfucker is! He was so ravenous for that pizza, he didn’t even bother with useless details such as slicing it into pieces, he just stuck his head right through the bottom of it. Notice the crazy look in his eyes and the way he’s manically licking his chops. I get the feeling he’s going to see the pizza around his neck and start tearing into it like a great white shark all hepped up on cocaine. He’ll be rolling all over the floor, snapping his teeth at anything pizza-related that comes within biting distance. He might even accidentally sever his own jugular during this unhinged pizza lust, the poor starving bastard. See now, THAT’S a logo. That’s the way I remember it, and that’s the way I like it.

 But just take a look at “Hungry Howie” now;

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Does he look hungry to you? There’s nary a pizza in sight, and the crazy gleam in his eyes is gone. Hell, he looks almost bored. He has a slight smile on his face, but he could be looking at anything. Maybe he’s watching the clouds roll by. Maybe he’s watching a squirrel attempting to hump a gopher and he’s mildly amused by it. Either way, if you put a pizza in front of him, he’d probably look at it and say, “Pizza. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.” I’m not even sure this is “Hungry Howie,” to be honest with you. Perhaps it’s the original Howie’s son, who had to take over when his dad lost his shit, couldn’t wait for the pizza to finish cooking and crawled right into the pizza oven after it. I can’t say for sure what happened, but I like the old logo better.

 The old logos are ALWAYS better. Remember Aunt Jemima? Of course you do! Many is the morning I’d be having some pancakes or waffles, while this image peered up at me. It was oddly comforting. I know this is a fictional character and all, but you can’t tell me this woman wouldn’t make you one hell of a breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, bacon, the whole works. I’ll bet her grits are to DIE for.

Your childhood was politically incorrect.

Your childhood was politically incorrect.

 But even Aunt Jemima went and changed on me. She no longer resembles Hattie McDaniel in Gone With the Wind. The last time I saw her, she got younger, slimmed down and and turned into a PTA mom or some shit. Just look at her! She could be married to the president! If I asked her to cook me some breakfast, she’d probably get all offended and tell me to fuck off.

Aunt Jemima, Professor of microbiology, Stanford University.

Aunt Jemima, Professor of microbiology, Stanford University.

I’m probably just old and set in my ways, but advertisers need to stop this shit. They “updated” Bazooka Joe. They changed Kool-Aid Man. The next thing you know, Super Mario is gonna look like some gelled-up Guido from Jersey Shore

 I’d better stop writing now. I’m getting myself all pissed off again.

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One Response to “Reflections on a Hungry Howie’s Box”

  1. I AGREE! I don’t know if those examples are more PC, or it’s just part of a cute little image makeover…either way, it sucks. Like you said, it’s comforting when things stay the way you remember them. It’s a bridge to the past. Same thing with sports logos. You can’t tell me that any of the newer vectored looking logos are better than there 70’s or 80’s counterparts. It’s all to sell more product with no consideration for tradition or history. These aren’t you grandpa’s (fill in the blank).

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