Three Things I Don’t Understand About Women

Three things? ONLY three things? Really?
Of course not. This is by no means a comprehensive list. I don’t understand anything about women, so I could make a whole series of these columns. I don’t understand why they read Twilight books, for example. I don’t understand why Norman Reedus, that skinny, scraggly bastard from The Walking Dead, is a sex symbol. I don’t understand why they lose their shit over diamonds. I don’t understand how their orgasms work…
Actually, I do understand that. It’s just that when I get a woman in that situation, I’m usually too drunk to do anything to make it happen. On the other hand, sometimes it takes me being drunk to have enough courage to make a move in the first place! You see why I bitch all the time?  That’s a vicious cycle!
Anyway, women have always been baffling to me, for millions of reasons. Here’s the first few that popped into my head;
THE WHOLE SHOE FIXATION
As a guy, I spend very little time thinking about footwear. I have maybe three pairs of shoes at any given time; a pair for work, athletic shoes and a ratty pair to bum around in, all of them usually black. That’s it. I don’t go through a big production in picking them out. I don’t worry about coordinating them with my wardrobe. If they’re relatively comfortable and they save me from walking around barefoot, that’s all I give a fuck about. The good folks at 7-Eleven won’t let you buy Slurpees without some type of footwear, and I’m a civilized man.

Compare my mentality to that of the average woman; most women have approximately 18,754 pairs of shoes, and they’re ALWAYS looking to buy more. Look in their closets and you’ll see multiple styles and colors, picked out based solely on how “cute” they are, and whether or not they’ll match their stupid little purses. Comfort seems to be a non-issue with them. I’ve seen women wearing excruciatingly uncomfortable shoes that leave their feet covered in blisters, all because they like the way they look with their skirt, or whatever. This makes no fucking sense to me at all. Personally, I’d rather have my shoes clash with my outfit and NOT have sore feet at the end of the day, but then again I’m burdened with this annoying little thing called “common sense.” Ain’t that just a bitch??

This is probably the REAL secret behind the female orgasm.

This is probably the REAL secret behind the female orgasm.

Plus, women treat shoe shopping like it’s a MAJOR EVENT worth getting all excited for, and it really isn’t. To my way of thinking, it’s a chore that should take no longer than 15 minutes at the most. Unfortunately, it’s physically impossible for women to spend such a little amount of time shopping, just like it’s impossible for them to buy only ONE pair. Think about it… have you ever seen a woman buying a single pair of shoes? Shit no, you haven’t! For women, shoes are like the shopping equivalent of Lay’s potato chips; “Bet’cha can’t buy just one pair!”

I know it sounds like I’m talking shit here, but I know the score, people. I worked at a shoe store for several years in my early 20’s, and female shoppers were a colossal pain in the ass. I’d watch as they’d try on every fucking pair of shoes in the store, leaving a huge mess in their wake. When they finally got around to purchasing a few pairs, many is the time they’d come back a few days later and RETURN THEM! What the fuck?? I remember talking to some of these ditzy broads to try and understand their thinking, but it was always pointless;

STUPID WOMAN: I need to return these shoes.
JEREMY THE LONER: Oh! Is something wrong with them?
STUPID WOMAN: No, I just didn’t want them.

Think about this for a second; “I just didn’t want them.” So… the two hours you spent in the shoe store, trying on pair after pair and leaving a complete disaster in your wake was because you wanted to RENT shoes for a few days?? After this happened a few billion times, I gave up trying to figure it out. I will say this, though; ONLY a woman would waste several hours purchasing shit she never really wanted in the first place. Makes loads of sense, doesn’t it??

BABY SHOWERS

It’s a good thing women have babies, or mankind would have died out eons ago. Not too many men would be anxious to experience the “joy” of childbirth. I sure as hell wouldn’t. I’m not about to ruin my petite figure (tee-hee!) and besides, my man boobs are already sagging as it is, so fuck that shit. I also have this odd aversion to a 7 pound creature exiting any of the orifices on my body. Call me crazy, but that’s how I feel.

"Fuck this, maybe I should give the kid up for adoption."

“Fuck this, maybe I should give the kid up for adoption.”

Another reason I’m glad men don’t have babies is because there’s no way I could ever, ever sit through a goddamn baby shower. Yes, babies are expensive and yes, the little shits will need a lot of things, so I’m not against them intellectually. It’s nicer to be given stuff for free than itis to buy it yourself, right? But I can’t stomach the whole “shower” ritual, in which a bunch of women sit around in a room filled with too many balloons “ooohing” and “ahhhing” over baby clothes and stupid little toys. The thought of it is almost nightmarish for me. If I was a woman, I’d want to skip that shit altogether. I’d be like, “Hey, I appreciate everyone wanting to buy presents for my unborn child, but instead of a shower, can’t we just do gift cards instead?” Yeah, I’d say that and all my female friends would be appalled at my lack of etiquette, saying, “What a bitch!” Yeah, well, fuck them. I don’t need their gifts anyway. And I don’t need them giving me grief about drinking beer while I’m pregnant! My kid will be fine. My mom drank AND smoked like a chimney when she was pregnant with me, and I…

Um… sorry about that. I kind of went off on a tangent there.

HAIR SALONS AND PEDICURES

Only a woman would consider getting their hair cut and styled as a leisure activity. Some of them will sit in the salon all day, smelly chemicals and strips of aluminum foil in their hair, happy as a pig in shit. They walk out of the salon 100 dollars (?) poorer, all so their husbands won’t notice the fucking difference anyway. Then they head over to get their pedicure, where other women massage their feet, rub down the rough skin with a brick or  a stone or some shit, then paint their little toes and make them look all pretty. At least I THINK it’s something like that. And while I have no idea what something like that would cost, I’m pretty sure it’s too much.

Pictured: A complete waste of fucking time.

Pictured: A complete waste of fucking time.

I don’t understand any of this for several reasons; first off, I have never, ever paid more than 20 bucks for a haircut in my life, and that’s with tip included. I’ve never spent more than a half hour in the salon, either. Fuck that. I’ll leave if there’s more than two people ahead of me in line, because a haircut should take a few minutes, not most of the damn day. There’s no way I could sit in a chair and be “styled,” either. I don’t even like being touched, especially around my face and neck. I just want the cut OVER with, the sooner the better. And as for my feet? Pssssh. That poor pedicurist would end up with posttraumatic stress disorder once I peeled my sweaty socks off in front of her slack-jawed face. She’d probably tender her resignation on the spot.

Now, I’m sure some people reading this might be thinking, “But Jeremy, MEN get pedicures too!” Well, maybe some of them do. But they’re probably metrosexuals, so fuck them.

Luckily for the pedicure industry, I won’t be using their services. I have no burning desire to have cotton balls placed in between my toes as some poor woman paints my toenails. I can’t imagine why anyone else would, either.

You women are something else.

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4 Responses to “Three Things I Don’t Understand About Women”

  1. Dirk Diggler Says:

    On the topic of baby showers, the latest thing now is Gender Reveal parties, people dress in blue if they think boy, pink if girl and the girl reveals the gender. this has got to be the goofiest thing ever

  2. Really…???
    Fuck that. Seriously.

    • Dirk Diggler Says:

      yes, any guy who attends one of these and participates should have his mancard revoked permanently

  3. Some of the womenfolk are just as baffled as you are. Shoes: you can only use 2 at any one time. ‘pampering days’: GTFoff my feet. And baby showers: excruciating. Seriously.
    my only grievence is that there is no such thing as too many balloons. This made no fucking sense.

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